looking for my pure substance.

how do you know when you are being truthful with yourself?

while lying in bed i just had a rush of emotions flood over me. i had this immense sense of sadness overtake me. odd considering i haven't cried over my ex in some time. but it hit me. a true feeling of forever loss. yes. i know the relationship is over. yes. i know it will never be again, nor could it ever be. but i liked it when i "got over him". about 4 months in i actually thought i was over him. hanging out with him was no big deal. in fact, i wanted to "bro it up" so to speak. let's hang. let's hug. let's shoot the shit. because i'm fine. let's talk about possible futures with another. then a couple months later, the uh-oh hit. not that i wanted him back, per-se. rather, i missed him. truly missed him as the fine individual that he is. i was craving this friendship minus the relationship. and that was okay by me. because he is a good person. and, well, i'm glad i didn't waste a large portion of my 20's with a deadbeat. you know? but the question remained how to build a new foundation, a new friendship, without the old emotions?

so, while just in bed, i started linking things in my current life situation to my feelings of loss. and i started thinking, "was i being truthful with myself"? how can i all of a sudden have such a rush of emotion, such complete sadness for a being, when i've been riding the wave of ok for a quarter of a year? and then i wonder, "are these feelings of sadness real"? or are they infused with something else? a carrier of some other thing that is eating at my being? is my loss from something else? someone else? for something else? someone else? and i think to myself this past year. how i have not been the same person. it's me. of course. but a tainted me. a mixture of possibilities, tainted love, sadness, longing, forgiveness, wonderings, dreams, works in progress, evolution, acceptance, self-inflicted torture, and love. i've been closed off. less spirited. creatively stifled. perhaps slightly jaded.

and i want me back. i want my heartache gone. but that's the tricky thing. i thought it was...i was sure it was. i want the bold me back. the confident fighter. because i know it's in me somewhere.

and mainly, i wan't another partner in crime. whatever form it takes. whether it be in friendship or a relationship. i'm willing to flex on this one. but first i must begin to heal what it is that is keeping me confined to my rigid parameters. i must remove the celophane and begin to breath again.