looking for my pure substance.

how do you know when you are being truthful with yourself?

while lying in bed i just had a rush of emotions flood over me. i had this immense sense of sadness overtake me. odd considering i haven't cried over my ex in some time. but it hit me. a true feeling of forever loss. yes. i know the relationship is over. yes. i know it will never be again, nor could it ever be. but i liked it when i "got over him". about 4 months in i actually thought i was over him. hanging out with him was no big deal. in fact, i wanted to "bro it up" so to speak. let's hang. let's hug. let's shoot the shit. because i'm fine. let's talk about possible futures with another. then a couple months later, the uh-oh hit. not that i wanted him back, per-se. rather, i missed him. truly missed him as the fine individual that he is. i was craving this friendship minus the relationship. and that was okay by me. because he is a good person. and, well, i'm glad i didn't waste a large portion of my 20's with a deadbeat. you know? but the question remained how to build a new foundation, a new friendship, without the old emotions?

so, while just in bed, i started linking things in my current life situation to my feelings of loss. and i started thinking, "was i being truthful with myself"? how can i all of a sudden have such a rush of emotion, such complete sadness for a being, when i've been riding the wave of ok for a quarter of a year? and then i wonder, "are these feelings of sadness real"? or are they infused with something else? a carrier of some other thing that is eating at my being? is my loss from something else? someone else? for something else? someone else? and i think to myself this past year. how i have not been the same person. it's me. of course. but a tainted me. a mixture of possibilities, tainted love, sadness, longing, forgiveness, wonderings, dreams, works in progress, evolution, acceptance, self-inflicted torture, and love. i've been closed off. less spirited. creatively stifled. perhaps slightly jaded.

and i want me back. i want my heartache gone. but that's the tricky thing. i thought it was...i was sure it was. i want the bold me back. the confident fighter. because i know it's in me somewhere.

and mainly, i wan't another partner in crime. whatever form it takes. whether it be in friendship or a relationship. i'm willing to flex on this one. but first i must begin to heal what it is that is keeping me confined to my rigid parameters. i must remove the celophane and begin to breath again.

i'm hoping for a cover crop comeback.

i'm worried about my cover crop.

i've been saying some prayers to the earth Gods in hopes to revitalize my garden. i (sadly) planted my cover crop pretty late this season. about 3 1/2 weeks later than i would have liked. well the seeds floated to the surface (as they usually do) and i did my best to bury them again. they have become tiny seedlings, but they look incredibly weak and feable. kind of floppy. vulnerable. to the cold mornings, local squirrels, and anything else that frolics in my garden.

and i don't know how to protect them. how i want to protect them. each morning i walk out to my backyard to check on them, wishing for a cover crop comeback of sorts. i imagine these thick stalks growing to the sky. but all i am faced with are tiny little alfalfa sprout knock-offs...the kind you grow in jar in your kitchen window...

so i keep thanking whomever for these wonderful sunny days. keep 'em coming earth Gods. keep the sun a shining.

my ass-kicking week of highlights.

seeing how last week i got my ass kicked by life, i find it only appropriate to share a few highlights of this week...

1. i practiced yoga on saturday after a two week withdrawl. i've come to recognize that yoga is an essential part of my week that i can't afford to miss. perfect balance of physical and mental exertion.

2. i attended a beginners ayurveda workshop on sunday. it was great to hear stories of the seekers who became sages. basically, it was a peaceful time where people were able to ask questions, where they went into the woods to experiment and find for themselves answers to life questions. through these quests they gathered over seven generations worth of real experiences that were documented in these books, Vedas. essentially, every other medicinal system came from ayurveda. i discovered that my prakruti is dominated by pitta (but i think my kapha is a bit out of balance)! for all those who face insomnia...i know i have my bouts, that the best remedy is to grind fresh nutmeg and take about four hours before bed.

3. my dear friend Liz has been in town from chicago since tuesday night. she arrived in late and we stayed up even later talking into the night. it has been so fantastic to catch up with her. last night we went out for dinner and drinks. we shared a bottle of apple beer from Belgium that was the perfect winter drink. it had coriander and licorice infused in it. delicious! i am determined to find it sold somewhere in the city.

4. yesterday i set aside garden fun time with a friend. a whole half day of it! or almost. first order of business (and one of my favorite things), compost! we picked up a truck load (and then a bit more). in a matter of a half hour my back yard was ammended and cover cropped. oh, the magic plant. next, his p-patch garden for some serious winterizing. we dug out the majority of the lingering crops and added a deep layer of compost. i had to leave before this was completed...but i still had a wonderful time. since the start of this quarter my plan has been to scratch all that is not neccesary in life. including gardening and friends. this week has proven that theory invalid! a healthy balance must be saught.

5. and my final thoughts of pleasantry: my food poisoning is over and my lip is healing well, my house most likely will not get torn down for a couple years, and i actually feel rested despite my sleep habits! and i am ready to ace my chemistry exam, oh yeah!

watch out. mercury is in retrograde.

turns out this has become my outlet to get out my stresses, my frustrations at the moment with life. i currently have a messed up toe, my stomach is still a bit queazy from a bout of food poisoning a few days ago, and i'm recovering from a face wound i inflicted upon myself only two days ago. i decided a night in might set me at ease. my remedy: a nice home cooked meal with just myself and a book on tape. turns out becoming a full time student allows for virtually zero leisure reading. next best thing. multi-tasking and stooping to a new low of book on tape. followed by a hot bath. followed by several hours of study.

when i sat in the kitchen with just myself and book on tape i realised that this in fact may not be the remedy i am seeking. am i unsettled because i am completely overwhelmed with life. the fact that i have decided to go back to school when the economy is in the crapper, that i have little money to actually pay for this education i yearn for, and that the private institution i plan on attending in 2 years may have little financial assistance. don't get me wrong. like i said, this has become my outlet to vent. i am loving school. at least chemistry. this does not mean i am what one would coin "excelling", but i enjoy putting my energy into the study of chemistry. i'm getting to know the chart. i'm excited by the future i am mapping out. excited to spend my afternoons in the local library flipping to the front...and then the back...and then the front of my book, as i check answers to practice problems. this is something i haven't experienced in years. and i fucking love it.

back to dinner. i'm a little off-centered, physically and mentally, and (yet again) another knock on the front door. i pause my book on tape and put down my fork. it's veronica. the landlord who doesn't know my name nor ever cared to ask me it. i'm simply a link to stefan. a message taker and giver. she says "she no longer owns the property. that she needs to pick some things up from the basement. that stefan can call to give her our information that she can pass on to the new landlord who happens to be a pretty nice guy. that our deposits and rent went to them in escrow so not to worry. to pay rent as usual to the address she sends us." something like that.

as she's leaving, she says "what's your name?" very nice veronica. my name is katie. sure, get whatever you need from the basement. blahdee blue.

is it wrong that all i want is a cocktail now? one fucking stiff drink. preferably on the rocks. but i truly believe this would not help my situation. or my stomach. and now i have no appetite for dinner. and frankly, am no longer inspired to study chemistry. i've got too much respect for the subject and the teacher! i can't transition this way.

but then i think to a conversation i had with a dear friend in portland today. she says that mercury is in retrograde. that it will be over soon. that it's not karma. it's not a voodoo doll. it's not me. that i am smart enough for chemistry.

[according to one website i was browsing "The good things to do when Mercury is Retrograde: meditate, contemplate, edit the book/poem/song/essay you've been writing, clean house, talk to your pet, listen to music, paint, catch up on sleep!" Shit. I can get on board with all of this!]

this wasn't all we spoke of. we had laughs. she told me of a woman who broke her arm while trying to adjust the speedometer while making a left turn when mercury was in retrograde. and i thought. holy shit. i am in love with my friends. i need to get me down to portland. i need to have more laughs. i need to follow my heart. i need to be myself. and happiness will follow. i need to own up and scratch what isn't working. accept that some shit happens along the way. that sometimes what you think you want isn't what you really want. that different people bring out different things in you. that some bring out better traits. and what am i doing with those who don't bring out the good? not that i am blaming them.

and you know where this leaves me?

lifted spirits. lifted spirits. lifted spirits.

one more side comment. i also talked with summer today. max is waving and saying "hi" when he sees people. hi is his first word. and he said it to me over the phone. yep. and he's getting his 3rd tooth. and he's my angel baby.

i've got the rainly day blues

why does everything seem impossibly far away when it's raining and you were planning to go somewhere by bicycle. currently, this is the predicament i am in. i've been preparing all week for my family to come stay with me for what will be a total of 3 days. now i want to leave my house. i still have piles of paperwork that i said i would file before they arrived, but, i think i may be slightly attached to them. and so they remain. and i want some fresh air. i need some fresh air. my plan was to go to the farmer's market to pick up a few things for their visit, but now the rains have set in. the problem. i only have a front fender and lack the desire to be putting on waterproof clothing. and i'm in no mood for a wet bum. 20 minutes. that is all it would take to get me, my small bundle of money, and a bag ready to be filled there. but an evening of chills would be the repercussions. oh my. i am ready for fall but i wasn't planning on winter yet! so now i am surrendering to the fact that i am house bound and most likely will be spending my evening out on my front porch. i guess i may as well make the best of it and prepare myself a cup of tea, wrap myself in a blanket, and watch the runoff drip down jackson, carrying fallen leaves and rubbish with it. despite the fact that i am "'stuck" at home, it certainly is beautiful from my porch...

twenty two pounds of peaches.

a couple of markets ago i placed an order for a case of seconds peaches. yesterday i was able to pick them up.

over the course of the past two days they have been sliced and frozen, snacked on, put into jars (14 to be exact)to be savored later, snacked on, consumed as blended alcoholic beverages, snacked on yet again, juiced and drank as pure nectar sweetness, and attacked by the swarms of fruit flys invading my kitchen.

now there are only four lone little peaches left sitting in a bowl on my counter and i'm already mourning there departure.

it has been a sweet couple of days...

(photos coming soon)

oh...Miss Jackson...my head is a little fuzzy

yesterday i found out that in fact, the owner's are selling Miss Jackson, the house i currently like to call home,to developers. and my head is a little fuzzy. i'm saddened and overwhelmed by this recent bit of news.

i have only been living in my home since may, but these past months have meant more to me than most can imagine. "Miss Jackson" has been a saving grace to my soul. i moved in after a long and coming break-up from my partner of almost four years. prior to this i had been in a beautiful home i once only dreamed of. a house i shared with my partner and a mutual friend, where i was able to paint the walls any color over the rainbow, space to create and a glorious wood shop. i tore up the front yard and began to sculpt gardens i had been visualizing for years. and mala mala mumbasa, my perfection of a kitty. so with the loss of the relationship came the loss of many other things that fed my heart and soul.

life transitions have taken there toll on me in 2008.

but i am a believer that with change comes opportunity. new growth.

i am naturally a solitary person. i'm not one for chatter. i like silence. i like being in my head. i am a poor communicator. words don't come easily. what this means...people, friends, don't always know what i'm experiencing when i am experiencing it. because these thoughts, these feelings, are mine. i'm not good at sharing them. often times people have expectations that i should open my floodgates of thoughts to them. but should i? is that what's best? only time will tell. for i am experimenting with opening the gates. it's a slow process. but this blog, this is my attempt at letting other's in. (plus, nobody knows about my blog so who's really reading it.)

ok. miss jackson. a beautiful green house, yes the color green but also a household that attempts to be "green". located on jackson street in the central district bordering leschi in seattle.

a neighborhood filled with life. people are always on the street...some making positive use of their time, others, well, not so much. but there are people out none the less. young and old. some smile. some say hello. some even strike up conversation. share a bit of history of the neighborhood or how their families have influenced it. then there are the youngins who hang out in front of the church and corner store on a daily basis who pretend not to see me...day in and day out as i pass on foot or bicycle. i know we see each other. but then, one day, i get a smile, just from one them. and i feel as though this world is not so closed off.

my roomies. two beautiful individuals. one an animator, educator, and inspired creator. his presence exudes warmth. his dream interpretations and visions blow my mind every time he shares another story...usually around the kitchen table. when i first moved into the house he was the wild card. i barely new him and didn't know what to expect. turns out i think he may be my housemate soul mate. a bit extreme, but he really is an ideal living partner. the other an amazing musician and writer. i am blessed with his dedication to his practice of the upright bass. daily i get the listening pleasure of his warm-up scales and then full-on sessions.

they have been more than great roommates. they have been my 2008 male role models. i've had and have amazing male friends. i've had wonderful male partners. but i've never grown up with a strong male presence. men have always fascinated me. confused me. and they continually surprise me. i speak in the terms of men interacting with other men. i realized when i saw one of my roommates hug his friend tightly and tell him that he loved him before he set off on the road, that that truly may have been my first time witnessing such. a man expressing raw emotion to another man in a platonic fashion. and that is not right. how could i have missed this? surely in the 28 years that my heart's been pumping i have witnessed such at least once? i don't think so. at least not where it made an impact on me like it had that day on the stoop of miss jackson.

let me re-focus. yes. my garden. so i lost my garden with the break-up, but i gained another blank canvas. i didn't want it to be just the house's garden this time, so i rounded up a couple dear friends to become a part of the creation. we dug for days, and then i dug some more. it evolved from a small rectangle, to an L shape, to a big massive square that i decided would have spiralled brick paths through it (to break the mold of the square...because frankly i am so over rows...i get enough of that at the farm). michelle and i decided an event like garden planning deserved a call to celebrate. so we went out for ethiopian and planned our garden design on a bleached paper napkin. we sketched brick laying options over a veg platter and a bottle of imported beer. then we decided what should go into our garden. we giggled so much over our excitement for what was to come.

and i think this garden has been the most beautiful yet!

so with the realization that my future at miss jackson is limited, i am faced with another break-up. a break-up from my saving grace that i found at miss jackson's place.

currently my mind is filled with simple thoughts...is it worth planting garlic this fall since it takes the whole year to grow. the garden may not exist then. if someone were to be moving in to enjoy the harvest then there would be no question. cover crop. i fucking love the beautiful crop that it is. but you plant it with the intent to improve your soil for future years. if my garden has a limited future, what's the point?

or is now the time to finally succumb and become a p-patcher. i never thought of this as a satisfactory option. i guess i thought that when the time came that i starting gardening in a p-patch that it was my soul surrendering to the fact that i was dependant on government land. that i couldn't provide for myself what i needed. wanted. my very own garden. on my turf. and this is silly because i thing the whole concept of the p-patch is brilliant. in fact i love almost everything about it. maybe i'm just pissed and cynical with developers that i'm taking it out on the p-patch. but i want my own garden on my own land.

i'll miss my male roll models. our little bungalow together. the warmth that came with it.

apparently housing stability has not been my forte these past couple of years. when i moved into miss jackson, i came in with the idea that this would be my home for a while.

and so, change is in my future. so i lift the chin. think. it is time to re-group. time to re-organize. deep breath. time to look to my ever growing list of life goals and look to check another off.

soon it will be time to build another garden.

land is money and it don't matter who sits on it

what to title this...

sometimes humanity lacks a soul

land is money and it don't matter who sits on it (because eventually they are going to knock down your home and kick your ass to the curb)

developers are fuckers

i don't want to stare at another pile of rubbish (rubbish being the crap build that's flooding our city)

my house is going to become a pile of rubbish

this happy house won't stand for your bullshit antics

what does all this mean? today i opened the door to a man in a florescent orange vest posed as a city employee. said he wanted to take photos of our house and property for the upcoming project. i'm thinking, does he really need that flashy vest to take a couple of photos. me, being an inquisitive one, asked about the project. he stutters, says, "well, i think i got the right place. it's going to be about 80 feet. starts next door". right away i am like, shit. our landlord owns the neighbor's property too. but then i push this thought off and think, perhaps they are building something radical and cool between the two houses. perhaps a skinny atrium that will be filled with beautiful plants and butterflys. or a slip-n-slide play gym for all the little local hoodlums to pass the hot summer days in. maybe a high-tech (old school) telephone between the two houses. i say, "i don't know anything about a project". he pulls out the dreaded paperwork with my most feared image...an image of what appears to be a tiny commune, but not the good kind. the crap commune were green landscape is no longer, rather replaced with concrete and a bunch of square cubicles they like to push as liveable space. i call it RUBBISH. and all to make a mighty buck. so i say to this man who is seeming a little timid, "so they are tearing our home down?" he whispers, "i'm trying to keep this low key". low key. from who? because i'm thinking if you're trying to keep this low key perhaps that should have been from me...the person who just found out some crap developer by the name of SEASIDE DEVELOPMENT is wanting to tear my love commune down. well i won't stand for this. no way. so you can take your tiny orange wearing vest ass off my stoop and forget about it.

fate happens sometimes.

today was a beautiful day. after an early escape from work, a day that consisted of reorganizing and purging of years of collected junk compiled into yet another garden shed, i met up with my dear friend allison for some tea and crackers on her front porch. being that the weather was so lovely we decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. the debate. down the hill toward the lake or up the hill toward where, according to her, the neighborhood is engulfed in baby mom's sporting nike caps and weather-wicking garb. after much debate of where to go, wallets or no wallets, we decided to head up the hill. with the agreement that we would rotate bag duty. upon arrival to the top we bumped into another friend who happened to be meandering the neighborhood. he was on his way to discovery park to meet up with a friend and asked us if we cared to join him. without hesitation we said yes and hopped in his pickup. due to circumstances he chose to re-route and take a back way through the neighborhood. thus, our perfect encounter on a very random street.

it turned into a wonderful day walking through the park, skipping rocks in the sound, and burgers to feast with a few amazing people i love to call my friends. i wonder what fate will bring tomorrow?