looking for my pure substance.

how do you know when you are being truthful with yourself?

while lying in bed i just had a rush of emotions flood over me. i had this immense sense of sadness overtake me. odd considering i haven't cried over my ex in some time. but it hit me. a true feeling of forever loss. yes. i know the relationship is over. yes. i know it will never be again, nor could it ever be. but i liked it when i "got over him". about 4 months in i actually thought i was over him. hanging out with him was no big deal. in fact, i wanted to "bro it up" so to speak. let's hang. let's hug. let's shoot the shit. because i'm fine. let's talk about possible futures with another. then a couple months later, the uh-oh hit. not that i wanted him back, per-se. rather, i missed him. truly missed him as the fine individual that he is. i was craving this friendship minus the relationship. and that was okay by me. because he is a good person. and, well, i'm glad i didn't waste a large portion of my 20's with a deadbeat. you know? but the question remained how to build a new foundation, a new friendship, without the old emotions?

so, while just in bed, i started linking things in my current life situation to my feelings of loss. and i started thinking, "was i being truthful with myself"? how can i all of a sudden have such a rush of emotion, such complete sadness for a being, when i've been riding the wave of ok for a quarter of a year? and then i wonder, "are these feelings of sadness real"? or are they infused with something else? a carrier of some other thing that is eating at my being? is my loss from something else? someone else? for something else? someone else? and i think to myself this past year. how i have not been the same person. it's me. of course. but a tainted me. a mixture of possibilities, tainted love, sadness, longing, forgiveness, wonderings, dreams, works in progress, evolution, acceptance, self-inflicted torture, and love. i've been closed off. less spirited. creatively stifled. perhaps slightly jaded.

and i want me back. i want my heartache gone. but that's the tricky thing. i thought it was...i was sure it was. i want the bold me back. the confident fighter. because i know it's in me somewhere.

and mainly, i wan't another partner in crime. whatever form it takes. whether it be in friendship or a relationship. i'm willing to flex on this one. but first i must begin to heal what it is that is keeping me confined to my rigid parameters. i must remove the celophane and begin to breath again.

i'm hoping for a cover crop comeback.

i'm worried about my cover crop.

i've been saying some prayers to the earth Gods in hopes to revitalize my garden. i (sadly) planted my cover crop pretty late this season. about 3 1/2 weeks later than i would have liked. well the seeds floated to the surface (as they usually do) and i did my best to bury them again. they have become tiny seedlings, but they look incredibly weak and feable. kind of floppy. vulnerable. to the cold mornings, local squirrels, and anything else that frolics in my garden.

and i don't know how to protect them. how i want to protect them. each morning i walk out to my backyard to check on them, wishing for a cover crop comeback of sorts. i imagine these thick stalks growing to the sky. but all i am faced with are tiny little alfalfa sprout knock-offs...the kind you grow in jar in your kitchen window...

so i keep thanking whomever for these wonderful sunny days. keep 'em coming earth Gods. keep the sun a shining.

my ass-kicking week of highlights.

seeing how last week i got my ass kicked by life, i find it only appropriate to share a few highlights of this week...

1. i practiced yoga on saturday after a two week withdrawl. i've come to recognize that yoga is an essential part of my week that i can't afford to miss. perfect balance of physical and mental exertion.

2. i attended a beginners ayurveda workshop on sunday. it was great to hear stories of the seekers who became sages. basically, it was a peaceful time where people were able to ask questions, where they went into the woods to experiment and find for themselves answers to life questions. through these quests they gathered over seven generations worth of real experiences that were documented in these books, Vedas. essentially, every other medicinal system came from ayurveda. i discovered that my prakruti is dominated by pitta (but i think my kapha is a bit out of balance)! for all those who face insomnia...i know i have my bouts, that the best remedy is to grind fresh nutmeg and take about four hours before bed.

3. my dear friend Liz has been in town from chicago since tuesday night. she arrived in late and we stayed up even later talking into the night. it has been so fantastic to catch up with her. last night we went out for dinner and drinks. we shared a bottle of apple beer from Belgium that was the perfect winter drink. it had coriander and licorice infused in it. delicious! i am determined to find it sold somewhere in the city.

4. yesterday i set aside garden fun time with a friend. a whole half day of it! or almost. first order of business (and one of my favorite things), compost! we picked up a truck load (and then a bit more). in a matter of a half hour my back yard was ammended and cover cropped. oh, the magic plant. next, his p-patch garden for some serious winterizing. we dug out the majority of the lingering crops and added a deep layer of compost. i had to leave before this was completed...but i still had a wonderful time. since the start of this quarter my plan has been to scratch all that is not neccesary in life. including gardening and friends. this week has proven that theory invalid! a healthy balance must be saught.

5. and my final thoughts of pleasantry: my food poisoning is over and my lip is healing well, my house most likely will not get torn down for a couple years, and i actually feel rested despite my sleep habits! and i am ready to ace my chemistry exam, oh yeah!

watch out. mercury is in retrograde.

turns out this has become my outlet to get out my stresses, my frustrations at the moment with life. i currently have a messed up toe, my stomach is still a bit queazy from a bout of food poisoning a few days ago, and i'm recovering from a face wound i inflicted upon myself only two days ago. i decided a night in might set me at ease. my remedy: a nice home cooked meal with just myself and a book on tape. turns out becoming a full time student allows for virtually zero leisure reading. next best thing. multi-tasking and stooping to a new low of book on tape. followed by a hot bath. followed by several hours of study.

when i sat in the kitchen with just myself and book on tape i realised that this in fact may not be the remedy i am seeking. am i unsettled because i am completely overwhelmed with life. the fact that i have decided to go back to school when the economy is in the crapper, that i have little money to actually pay for this education i yearn for, and that the private institution i plan on attending in 2 years may have little financial assistance. don't get me wrong. like i said, this has become my outlet to vent. i am loving school. at least chemistry. this does not mean i am what one would coin "excelling", but i enjoy putting my energy into the study of chemistry. i'm getting to know the chart. i'm excited by the future i am mapping out. excited to spend my afternoons in the local library flipping to the front...and then the back...and then the front of my book, as i check answers to practice problems. this is something i haven't experienced in years. and i fucking love it.

back to dinner. i'm a little off-centered, physically and mentally, and (yet again) another knock on the front door. i pause my book on tape and put down my fork. it's veronica. the landlord who doesn't know my name nor ever cared to ask me it. i'm simply a link to stefan. a message taker and giver. she says "she no longer owns the property. that she needs to pick some things up from the basement. that stefan can call to give her our information that she can pass on to the new landlord who happens to be a pretty nice guy. that our deposits and rent went to them in escrow so not to worry. to pay rent as usual to the address she sends us." something like that.

as she's leaving, she says "what's your name?" very nice veronica. my name is katie. sure, get whatever you need from the basement. blahdee blue.

is it wrong that all i want is a cocktail now? one fucking stiff drink. preferably on the rocks. but i truly believe this would not help my situation. or my stomach. and now i have no appetite for dinner. and frankly, am no longer inspired to study chemistry. i've got too much respect for the subject and the teacher! i can't transition this way.

but then i think to a conversation i had with a dear friend in portland today. she says that mercury is in retrograde. that it will be over soon. that it's not karma. it's not a voodoo doll. it's not me. that i am smart enough for chemistry.

[according to one website i was browsing "The good things to do when Mercury is Retrograde: meditate, contemplate, edit the book/poem/song/essay you've been writing, clean house, talk to your pet, listen to music, paint, catch up on sleep!" Shit. I can get on board with all of this!]

this wasn't all we spoke of. we had laughs. she told me of a woman who broke her arm while trying to adjust the speedometer while making a left turn when mercury was in retrograde. and i thought. holy shit. i am in love with my friends. i need to get me down to portland. i need to have more laughs. i need to follow my heart. i need to be myself. and happiness will follow. i need to own up and scratch what isn't working. accept that some shit happens along the way. that sometimes what you think you want isn't what you really want. that different people bring out different things in you. that some bring out better traits. and what am i doing with those who don't bring out the good? not that i am blaming them.

and you know where this leaves me?

lifted spirits. lifted spirits. lifted spirits.

one more side comment. i also talked with summer today. max is waving and saying "hi" when he sees people. hi is his first word. and he said it to me over the phone. yep. and he's getting his 3rd tooth. and he's my angel baby.