watch out. mercury is in retrograde.

turns out this has become my outlet to get out my stresses, my frustrations at the moment with life. i currently have a messed up toe, my stomach is still a bit queazy from a bout of food poisoning a few days ago, and i'm recovering from a face wound i inflicted upon myself only two days ago. i decided a night in might set me at ease. my remedy: a nice home cooked meal with just myself and a book on tape. turns out becoming a full time student allows for virtually zero leisure reading. next best thing. multi-tasking and stooping to a new low of book on tape. followed by a hot bath. followed by several hours of study.

when i sat in the kitchen with just myself and book on tape i realised that this in fact may not be the remedy i am seeking. am i unsettled because i am completely overwhelmed with life. the fact that i have decided to go back to school when the economy is in the crapper, that i have little money to actually pay for this education i yearn for, and that the private institution i plan on attending in 2 years may have little financial assistance. don't get me wrong. like i said, this has become my outlet to vent. i am loving school. at least chemistry. this does not mean i am what one would coin "excelling", but i enjoy putting my energy into the study of chemistry. i'm getting to know the chart. i'm excited by the future i am mapping out. excited to spend my afternoons in the local library flipping to the front...and then the back...and then the front of my book, as i check answers to practice problems. this is something i haven't experienced in years. and i fucking love it.

back to dinner. i'm a little off-centered, physically and mentally, and (yet again) another knock on the front door. i pause my book on tape and put down my fork. it's veronica. the landlord who doesn't know my name nor ever cared to ask me it. i'm simply a link to stefan. a message taker and giver. she says "she no longer owns the property. that she needs to pick some things up from the basement. that stefan can call to give her our information that she can pass on to the new landlord who happens to be a pretty nice guy. that our deposits and rent went to them in escrow so not to worry. to pay rent as usual to the address she sends us." something like that.

as she's leaving, she says "what's your name?" very nice veronica. my name is katie. sure, get whatever you need from the basement. blahdee blue.

is it wrong that all i want is a cocktail now? one fucking stiff drink. preferably on the rocks. but i truly believe this would not help my situation. or my stomach. and now i have no appetite for dinner. and frankly, am no longer inspired to study chemistry. i've got too much respect for the subject and the teacher! i can't transition this way.

but then i think to a conversation i had with a dear friend in portland today. she says that mercury is in retrograde. that it will be over soon. that it's not karma. it's not a voodoo doll. it's not me. that i am smart enough for chemistry.

[according to one website i was browsing "The good things to do when Mercury is Retrograde: meditate, contemplate, edit the book/poem/song/essay you've been writing, clean house, talk to your pet, listen to music, paint, catch up on sleep!" Shit. I can get on board with all of this!]

this wasn't all we spoke of. we had laughs. she told me of a woman who broke her arm while trying to adjust the speedometer while making a left turn when mercury was in retrograde. and i thought. holy shit. i am in love with my friends. i need to get me down to portland. i need to have more laughs. i need to follow my heart. i need to be myself. and happiness will follow. i need to own up and scratch what isn't working. accept that some shit happens along the way. that sometimes what you think you want isn't what you really want. that different people bring out different things in you. that some bring out better traits. and what am i doing with those who don't bring out the good? not that i am blaming them.

and you know where this leaves me?

lifted spirits. lifted spirits. lifted spirits.

one more side comment. i also talked with summer today. max is waving and saying "hi" when he sees people. hi is his first word. and he said it to me over the phone. yep. and he's getting his 3rd tooth. and he's my angel baby.